Wednesday, July 19, 2017

i'm back

I thought maybe this is the end. I don't know if this'll be forever or temporary but all I know is that this is it for now.

And looking back, I'm sure that this is what I want.

I remember I wanted to run, wanted to move faster without anything holding me back. Because I remember the days before him. It was simple, fun, and fearless. I remember thinking about life and having unlimited imagination on what I'm capable of doing. But things started to change after that. I was losing grip on what I believe. There were moments I questioned myself and I was torn apart a few times. But I didn't tell anyone. I decided to keep it myself to the point I almost failed myself.

There were hard days back then. But I kept it all together. Too much until I almost let myself down.

I thought it would be selfish to end things with such reason. I was thinking about his feelings all the time and not realizing that deep down, I killed mine. There, I think I did my mistake.

Now, things are completely different. We're on different place, different stage and game, and I don't care anymore if other people are asking. Since the beginning, I knew it's going to be an open season once people find out. I didn't try to withhold some information because I know there's no use to it. I was just being more careful on choosing the right person to spill every single truth I know. 

On a brighter side, I now completely understand that the only person who should be responsible for our happiness is ourselves.

And for a few weeks, I regret the way I treated myself. I deeply sorry for what I did to myself. And I decided to forgive myself for everything I did. For letting myself down a few times, for not standing for myself, for not fighting hard enough for the happiness and freedom I deserved.

I feel sorry but I forgive myself.

Life wants me to learn a few things and I learned it the hard way again. It was about realizing that my job is part of me but it shouldn't define me, about the importance of having dreams, about finding what makes me happy, about letting Allah does all the work while on the other side I'm working my best and praying, asking for the best. And one of the most important (which now I start to think is the essence of life) was about accepting life itself and that I should never try to fight it.

I'm still struggling with the last one but I'm trying my best to believe that Allah will never leave me alone. His promises are true. The only one whose promises are real and will never let me down. Should have never doubted that on the first place.

I'm gaining my power again from family and friends. I find meaning in my work, life, and everyone. I don't want to be sad for too long because this is a heart break closer to happily ever after.

I thought I was ready to stop, to settle down. But Life said no. So I'll run again but this time things are different. I'll put my happiness as my priority, stand for it, fight for myself, listen to my heart, and never let myself down again whatever the situation is.

To love again is to be able to forgive myself, move forward, and never look back.

There's so much more to live than a heart that does not beat for me.

I find the best friend in my brother, in my mom and dad, and some other hearts out there. But one of the most wonderful things is that I find the best friend in me. I find a friend inside of me, I have Allah by my side with His unquestionably best plan, and that's enough. I shouldn't be scared of anything.

I'm believing in Allah's plan more than anything and I'm going to live my life in the best way I can.

This is not the end. I was wrong. This is the beginning of something greater than anything one could imagine.

Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim. With the name of Allah, The Merciful, The Beneficent.

Monday, September 26, 2016

life today

One year ago, I never thought that my life would turn out like it did. All I wanted last year was to graduate and I said to myself I’ll figure out later what I want to do. Maybe doing another social work, living as a dentist somewhere far away from the city, coming back home after two or three years and by that time I’ll know what to do: master or residency program, and maybe if I’m lucky enough I’ll get married around 27 or 28.

Today, one year after studying night and day to pass the exam, here I am studying night and day again (and also working from 8 to 3 or sometimes from 8 to 8) because right now I’m taking Oral Biology and Immunology Master Program.

I never thought that I could live the kind of life I’m having right now. I mean being a lecturer and a researcher was never on my list. I always wanted to be a dentist and being able to help people. And that was all I know.

At this stage what I can say is that everything in life was meant to be. That’s the best explanation I can come up with every time people asked me why am I giving up my dream to leave the city and being a dentist somewhere where it takes two hours for people to get to hospital or why I didn’t take residency program or why my choice was not Health Management Master Program like what I always wanted.

I know what I wanted but God knows better. God knows better than any of us.

Today, as a dentist I’m doing my best to fix someone’s smile, trying to make some pain go away, and educating people to live a better and healthier life. As a junior lecturer, I enjoy sharing all of my tiny little knowledge to undergraduate students and hoping that the little things I taught them will make them a better dentist someday. As a student, I’m having fun taking notes from my lecturers, my seniors. As a junior researcher, I’m working on little things that I hope can make an impact someday to improve other’s life.

I’m not giving up my dream. I’m living a bigger one right now.