Friday, November 17, 2017

about losing someone

Admit it we all have been there. Losing someone dear to our heart. And one of my friend just did. He lost someone so close to his heart. He lost his very close friend which also was an acquaintance of mine from highschool.

“I’d like to imagine he’s somewhere around the beach just sitting around. Somewhere far away from here with his new identity. Just frolicking all day, enjoying life, having fun. Do you think I’m crazy if I keep that imagination?” he asked me.

“Well, if you tell a lot of people about your thoughts maybe some of them will think that you’re losing your mind. But I personally think that it’s okay. Do whatever it takes as long as it makes you feel okay and give you comfort. It’s not easy so I think it’s okay to think that he’s somewhere else in this universe, enjoying his life. The difference is that you can’t contact him anymore. If the thought of him being okay makes you feel okay, it’s fine by me.”

“Maybe every now and then some random account on instagram will view your story or like your photos. And it could be him,” I said to my friend. And he smiled.

We all have been there. Losing someone who once was close to our heart that it made us refuses to get up in the morning, to eat, and even sleep. But whatever it is, we have to keep going. We have to continue our life. Our life doesn’t stop just because someone else’s does.

“I don’t even look up for reasons anymore. I don’t try to find the answer because even if I do, it won’t bring him back.”

I wonder what it feels like to lose someone you send weird memes or internet jokes the second after you read them. I wonder what it feels like to lose someone you once shared all of your dirty laundry with. I wonder what it feels like to lose someone who will do anything just to cheer you up when you have such a bad day, in a bad mood, or having personal breakdown.

I wonder what it feels like when the next time you find weird memes or internet jokes, when you want to share some craziness, when you want to do nothing but you’d like to have a company. When you have all of that and the person you want to share that with won’t be there. And every single damn time you remember that person won’t be there remind you of why that person won’t be there. And I bet it’s killing you every single damn time you remember why that person won’t be there.

So I personally think it’s okay to have wonderful thoughts about our loved ones that’s already gone. It’s okay to think that they’re somewhere in this world maybe living at Alpen, Hawaii, New York, or inside Harry Potter World in Universal Studio and living their life normally and happily. It’s okay if that thought makes you feel better. It’s okay if that thought can make you get up in the morning, give you a smile, and then you’re ready to live your life.

And I know it’s not easy. It’s always a long road to be okay again. But you don’t have to go through it alone. You don’t.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

simple fact of life: “maybe” always hurts worse than “no”

This morning I opened Twitter and read a tweet from John Mayer. He wrote: Simple fact of life: “Maybe” always hurts worse than “No”.

And I don’t know why I feel like blogging in a sudden. Plus, now I’m just done with the review for my research so I’ll have a little free time for anything I want. (Actually I do have time for anything I want because I make time for anything I want. LOL. And now you’ll know why I don’t blog for months. ROFL.)

Anyway, let’s back to the tweet that makes me want to blog.

Simple fact of life: “Maybe” always hurts worse than “No”.

I don’t know why after reading that sentence, in my head I play all the maybes I could remember once had and gave. And it’s true that it was all hurt. It was all hurt to the point I no longer give maybe in “are you free in the weekend?”, “can you make it to tomorrow night dinner with me?”, and any other question I want to avoid but saying “No” sounds too harsh.

I was trying to be polite. I thought I was being polite. Until the last few months something hard hit me and I decide to give up all the maybe.

Whether I’m free or not at the weekend, whether I’m emotionally available or not at the moment, I give my honest answer. Because people deserve it. You may think lately I become too hard on some people. But no. I don’t. I’m being nice to myself and I’m being nice to people too.

I don’t feel like giving people the space for expectation when I know my answer is “No”. I don’t want someone waiting on me when I don’t want or need to be waited. I don’t want to make someone think I will be available when the fact is even if I’m available, I don’t want to go to someplace or do something with them.

At the beginning of this blog post somehow I state my current condition. I realize that I do have time for anything I want because I will make time for it. I will make time for something I really want. So if you or something you propose is not on my list, then I’m sorry.

I’m not being arrogant. I think everyone has a choice regarding their priority. I choose to make time for me, for my family, friends, work, or anything I want. I decide on what makes me happy and also what’s the right thing to do.

Don’t get me wrong. The last few months I made time for people as much as I made time for myself. I wasn’t being selfish. I don’t cut ties with people around me. I just grow and become big enough to decide when enough is enough.

So back again to the sentence: Simple fact of life: “Maybe” always hurts worse than “No”.

In “Maybe”, you find a space for expectation. In “No”, you find the truth no matter how hard it is. In “Maybe”, you find a sense of comfort. In “No”, you find the end to something you wish. The truth hurts most of the time but you’ll heal and get stronger as the time pass. It builds you up as it doesn’t leave you with another option but moving on.

I said “No” sometimes. Some people get it, some people don’t. I won’t spend my time explaining to you why you should get my decision. Because someday you will do. Someday, someone or something will hit you and you’ll get it why I said “No”. And someday you’ll grow tired of all the “Maybe” in life and once in a blue moon, you’ll also give your “No.”